Archive

Posts Tagged ‘funny’

THE MUMMY’S CURSE

February 21, 2016 Leave a comment

 mummy

 

Of all the frights I’ve had in life

There’s none unnerved me worse

Than that dreadful night of terror

That I heard the mummy’s curse

 

While in the Pharaoh’s pyramid

With only candlelight

I happened on an ancient scroll

Wrapped in a bundle tight

 

Then I read with trepidation

Its hieroglyphic verse:

“Beware, O foul defiler, now

You’ll hear the mummy’s curse!”

 

Then from a stone sarcophagus

Against a darkened wall

Emerged a fearsome mummy

Who stood immensely tall

 

Wrapped head to toe in linen

Hate blazing from its eyes

It stalked me like a tiger

As I whimpered wretched cries

 

It backed me to a corner

Then things went from bad to worse

As to my utter horror

I heard the mummy curse

 

“You mother-bleeping robber

You thieving sack of bleep

How dare disturb my Pharaoh

In his everlasting sleep”

 

“Be gone you bleeping infidel

And mark my words with dread

If you show your worthless bleep again

And I’ll crush you bleeping head!”

 

Then to its stone sarcophagus

It shuffled in reverse

No, I’ll not soon forget the night

I heard the mummy curse!

Advertisements

Other Figs

April 19, 2011 33 comments

Published in 1920, Edna St. Vincent Millay’s, First Fig is one of my favorites.  Of course, it was written from the perspective of a poet.  What, I wondered, might it look like if it were written by someone in another occupation.  Below are the original and a few other examples.

 

ESVM’s Original Version

 

My candle burns at both ends.

 It will not last the night;

But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends –

It gives a lovely light


Accountant’s Version

My candle burns at both ends

I cannot put it out

Which means that in just half the time

I’ll have to do without



Lawyer’s Version

My candle burns at both ends

My hands are burned to boot

A blatant case of negligence

I think I’ll file a suit



Politician’s Version

My candle burns at both ends

Your taxes pave the way

But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends –

You both will get to pay



Then I got to thinking:  What might this poem look like in a form other than rhyming, metered verse.  A few examples are found below:


Haiku Version

Candle’s double flame

Flashes bright like summer sun

Short but vibrant life


Free Verse Version

My candle burns at both ends

Two passion-fired infernos

Racing towards consummation

Thrusting forward

Powered by the force of a runaway metaphor

They unite in a rapture of luminescence

Then nothing

The soul-sucking darkness of the eternal void

Friends and foes can only marvel

At the profligate verbiage


Here’s a great contribution courtesy of  lolamouse.  You should check out her blog….always lot’s of great stuff there!

The Existentialist’s Version

My candle burns at both ends
The wax gives no resistance
But, like life, it matters not
To our meaningless existence



Any other interpretations of the classic are welcome. Vb

This post is linked to One Stop Poetry and Big Tent Poetry

Half A Yolk

April 18, 2011 35 comments

This is a response to Magpie Tales prompt # 62 which is the image above.

I went to see my doctor

Who looked me in the eye

“Your lipids are a travesty,

Your BP’s way too high”


So she prescribed a diet

To square my labs away

Though it may be good for me

Here’s all I have to say


I can’t live on half a yolk

And just a bite of bread

No way I’m eating oatmeal

Or yogurt cups instead


I can’t exist on water

And never have a beer

Or chew on fruits and veggies

When filet mignon is near


I don’t know what hummus is

And I don’t want to know

And if I’m offered tofu

I believe I will forego


This regimen is killing me

Of that there is no doubt

The rules are fairly simple:

Taste good? Then spit it out!




The Hoary Marmot

February 25, 2011 14 comments

 

 

 

 

 

This verse is linked to Poets United.  Here’s a verse for a poor little guy who ordinarily gets no love.

 

In the Rocky Mountains high
Where icy peaks impale the sky
Lives a timid little varmint
Known only as the Hoary Marmot*

Like a squirrel, but round and furry
Always in a dreadful hurry
A nibble here, then dart for cover
Danger from above can hover

Up there where the air is thinner
He’s the Eagle’s favorite dinner
Beak and talon aim to harm it
Life’s a bitch for the Hoary Marmot

 

 

 

*Largest of the North American ground squirrels…you’re welcome!

War of Words

February 22, 2011 16 comments

Sometimes, it’s hard to keep the peace among the elements in a line.

My verb and object disagreed
It was a heated fight
I tried my best to mediate
But couldn’t make it right

The harshest struggles in a line
Are often intramural
The verb, you see, was singular
The object being plural

And so I sought an adjective
To help diffuse the fray
“I modify, not mollify”
Was all it had to say


This poem linked to Poets United.


THE RHYMER’S RETORT

February 19, 2011 Leave a comment

Here’s my take on the burning issue of our time… to rhyme or not to rhyme.

 

The literati’s basic primer:

Hate the rhyme and loathe the rhymer

To them there’s really nothing worse

Than metered, rhyming, structured verse


Doggerel is what they shout

The rhymer’s work is all about

A vulgar form that just brings joy

To simple, unwashed hoi polloi


But gladly we endure their scorn

Their condescension lightly borne

Let them mock and scoff and shun

To hell with art, we’re having fun!

 


From “The Rhymer’s Cafe” available at http://www.blurb.com

To Rhyme or Not to Rhyme (Was that the question?)

February 18, 2011 Leave a comment

I don’t have anything against free verse.  I get that fewer constraints allow for greater expression.  But to me, one of the appeals of writing metered, rhyming verse is the challenge of overcoming those very constraints.  It’s like a puzzle in search of a solution. To advance the idea, you have to solve the meter and the rhyme and do so in way that doesn’t cause the reader to wince too badly.  If the solution is elegant, then the results are very satisfying.  If it’s inelegant, well, then it’s doggerel.